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Monday, June 18, 2018

Who Will Marry This Lagos Prostitute?

Osayimwen Osahon George on this episode of the "Diary of a Lagos Bachelor" explores the grey areas of the private life of a Lagos single man, Ugo Chikwendu (Not real name).

Mere representative photo

Ugo was drinking his sweaty bottle of Orijin at a bar close to his house after a demanding day at work. The 28-year old banker had a cigarette firmly attached to his two fingers on the right-hand side as loud music played at the background and a giant TV showing the highlights of club football matches. He felt proud of himself as he effortlessly drove some heavy smoke into the air and watched it disappear. He constantly nodded his head to the music without due consideration of the lyrics as he sipped his drink at regular intervals. It was as if he was flying in the air without wings as he used that juncture to ruminate over his activities during the day.

One unique feature about the bar is that it stationed some young prostitutes around for some customers to get relieved as long as they can meet their asking prices. Ugo usually patronized the bar on Friday nights to ease stress instead of being immersed in loneliness at home as he is unmarried. Ugo who isn't a saint had his own share of their services once in a while in the absence of his girlfriend or each time he felt like tasting a new ‘soup’. From the point he was seated, he could see the door of this particular young, tall, slim, and dark-skinned lady being flung open and closed at quick successions. It wasn't a face he had seen before; she was new at the place.

All the randy men at the bar took breaks to briefly see her like she was a medical doctor and they were her patients. There is this feeling that comes with dealing with new things. The excitement, anticipation and goosebumps could be intense. All these are like necessary ingredients to spice up the soup. In slightly over an hour, he had counted about 5 able-bodied men who went in with the new girl and came out sweating profusely. One even had his shirt in his hands and he swung it for more fresh air. Without making inquiries from the men, it was evident that they attained maximum utility of the services sought.

Ugo's brain was already fragile as he had downed 4 bottles of Orijin with his 9th stick of cigarette burning fast. The new girl was really beautiful; she looked lively with her natural endowments of moderate sizes well-positioned and dangling like a pendulum. She had a flat tummy which is becoming a rarity among Nigeria ladies, so she flaunted like a new car.

At brothels, every new girl is like a newly commissioned Julius Berger-standard of road every motorist wants to ply to enjoy the smooth ride before constant usage, heavy trucks and environmental degradation take tolls on it. Most of the fresh girls come with a new spirit, energy and flare to corner the existing customers at the expense of her competitors; she goes out of her way to satisfy the horny men with manhood as big as that of a horse just to secure their patronage. They are like the 100 level female students who are unaware of the terrain of the higher institution with all the returning students hovering around them like hawks with different sizes of baits and strategies all aiming at the same direction.

Every experienced man would want to grab a bite before the facilities and services of the new prostitute who might not actually be new in the game are strained and debilitated.

Ugo’s life reflects the vices perpetrated by most Lagos bachelors under the dark with limited eyes watching.

There are two sets of people you should never trust in Lagos State and they are; the bachelors and the spinsters. Most of these set of people are chameleons hiding under their warm physical appearances and gentility while their hearts remain as dark as the bottom of a local canteen's cooking pot. It doesn’t mean there are no decent bachelors and spinsters but the percentage is indeed low and keeps falling by the day.

Some of the bachelors with good jobs could spring surprises that could stun the devil. Lagos, the financial hub of Nigeria is a place where the hustle for money is real coupled with channels of blowing the funds faster than they were made. While some spend their money on drinks, others spend theirs on clothes, shoes, jewelleries, some hard drugs, food, clubbing, high-class social gatherings or women.

As for the women, they come in various sizes that could even appeal to the blind if they are allowed to feel things with their hands. So, if you are the type that can't control his waist, there are hotties that are ready to sell themselves to you as slaves for the moment as far as their financial interests are catered for.

A high percentage of women you see who are either truly single, engaged or married might be available to you as far as you can trigger her buy-out clause as its been done in European football. The frustrations, stress, rush and high cost of living in Lagos State might force some lonely men to rediscover themselves. They end up digging up a passive bad side in them and finding succour in it. This becomes their way of fighting depression, bad days, or unwinding generally.

The general escape route among some bachelor is s*x. S*x is like the final destination of other vices. It’s like home. No matter how long you want to spend out there, there will always be a time for you to retire back home to your bed. After drinking, eating, clubbing or smoking hard, there is the possibility of the person trying to cap up the day with good s*x. If you want to have s*x, its either you call up your girlfriend or you pay for it.


As Ugo finished his 9th cigarette, the 6th guy was into her room for his urgent 'treatment'. After each round of s*x with a man, new girl who was sparsely dressed in a Spaghetti top with no bra, cleavage exposed, tummy shown to the public and a short skirt that could barely cover her big bum would take walk around the bar like a security official. It was her potent advertisement strategy. Initially, all potential customers would behave as it she wasn't existing each time she passed as they fake being carried away by their drinks, mobile phones, discussion with friends or the TV while they monitor her movements with the side of their eyes like goats do.

She ends the parade at her door point and before she settles for a minute, another adventurous man is up to see her. It becomes a matter of emergency and her room becomes their ward. This happened on and on until it was becoming really late and Ugo was losing count of her customers. He became really drunk and was considering seeing the mystery girl himself to find answers to questions asked by his unrepentant waist. At this point, he was already battling with imaginations and dirty fantasies about the new girl with one slight erection mounting pressure on him. As he delayed his movement for some seconds, a huge man who looked like a gym instructor/fitness trainer drinking beside him stood up and went to see her. In fact, it was as if they shared the same thoughts. Ugo was stunned as he looked into the sky, counting the stars and smiling sheepishly as drunks do in the absence of a joke.

The huge man stayed in there till eternity. Ugo was becoming impatient and the fact that he was drunk aggravated his predicament. It was if the huge man had killed the girl and was mapping out an escape route. It got to a point that Ugo started pacing around the bar with his eyes focused on the door of the prostitute's room. He almost wanted to knock on her door to confirm what was going on. That could have escalated into a bitter disagreement which he didn't want. He kept on looking at his wrist-watch as if he was the huge man's time-keeper. At about the 50th minute approximately, the huge man emerged from her room and he left the bar straight away. The new girl didn't show up even after 10 minutes.

Ugo felt the girl was in danger but he wasn't deeply concerned. He was only being motivated by his sexual interests with no genuine concerns about the girl’s well-being. He was more interested in grabbing a taste of her and going home. He looked at the table the muscular man left behind and saw a half-filled bottle of Night Train wine and a few sticks of cigarette left in a pack. He became disturbed as he headed to her room to see for himself. He was probably feeling he could see her dead body. He knocked on the door and opened immediately like a policeman raiding a criminal hide-out only to see the new girl fully naked with her legs widely spread under a heavily oscillating fan. She was cooling her private part after a presumed aggressive pounding. It was as if the last guy dropped a grenade in there and the effect was devastating. She was clearly stressed.

She smiled at Ugo with what seemed like her last breathe and beckoned to him to come closer. She placed Ugo's hand on her breasts and began to rub his head. The breasts were as firm as that of a decent village girl who listens to her mother's advice of being careful with the boys. The nipples were conspicuous and strong too.

In no time, Ugo started sucking her breasts like he needed to extract milk from it. Her skin was smoother than that of a new born. He was thrilled as she went down on him in a bid to do a remix of Terry G's 2009 hit track 'Test The Microphone”. This was strange, they didn't even negotiate payment for her service but it wasn't happening for free at all. At this point, the ecstasy was so much that Ugo started shedding tears. He wished she could just detach the cap of his third leg temporarily as she teased it with her tongue. She later got the condom and they started having s*x. Ugo's favourite position was being below while the partner plays the lead role. The girl rode on him like a horse. She had a waist that reminded him of the notorious Instagram twerker, Jane Mena. Jane Mena is so good at dancing that she seems to have become a professional twerker who is being sought after by Nigerian singers who want her to advertise their songs by dancing to it. Her dance skills earned her N2 million in an online dance contest organized by a 5 Star record label music artiste, KCee Limpopo.

The prostitute's energy level was as high as what President Muhammadu Buhari needs to totally annihilate the recalcitrant Boko Haram terrorist group. Down there, she was as tight as a virgin. It’s unusual for girls in this line of trade and this made her more enjoyable. Sweat dripped from her body despite the working air-condition in the room. The sweat landed on Ugo's body and flowed down the bed. The pleasure was so intense that Ugo fear he could suffer a heart attack as his heart was beating profusely. He later climaxed and the girl who was already exhausted collapsed on his body and held him tightly as if they were dating.

For some minutes, Ugo cuddled her. He has never done that to a prostitute before. The girl came to her senses suddenly and withdrew her hands from him. It was as if she recalled they were business partners and not lovers. Ugo reached for his pair of trousers which was on the floor of her room and gave her about N10,000 which was above her expectation.

She smiled at him as she confirmed the amount and said;

"You are so nice. Thank you so much. I hope to see you again".

Her voice was so faint and sweet. It was as if she was dying. Ugo grinned and dressed up to leave. By this time, the tipsiness was technically gone with the s*x romp. As he opened the door, it seemed all eyes at the bar were gazing at him. Another man was already loitering around for the purpose of seeing the new girl he assumed. The prying eyes made Ugo's legs too heavy for him to carry. He sluggishly went to his table, collected his bag and disappeared from the bar.

As he approached his house, he realized he had lost so much energy. He feared the cool breeze could blow him into the massive gutters filled with ever-stinking stagnant water. His body felt light in weight and he had this joyous feeling just as if he had just received a promotion letter at work. He cherished his mood but the innocent face of the new girl got him thinking critically.

He kept wondering why she took to that kind of profession as well as who would end up marrying her. He felt any man would be so unlucky to marry a prostitute who sleeps with about 15 or more men in a day. At that rate, her body count could hit 5,391 in a year subtracting her monthly menstrual cycle of approximately 84 days. Ugo kept asking himself this rhetorical question;

"Who will marry this prostitute at the end of the day?" as he approached the white gate of his house located on the Mainland area of Lagos.

Aside open prostitution like that of the new girl, some iPhone 7 or X flaunting ladies who want to live above their means also sleep with random money-bags on Friday nights and during the weekends for extra cash. It’s like a dirty little secret and on Sundays, you will see these same people in Church clothed in brightly-coloured clothes worshipping deeply in spirit and sharing lengthy testimonies at the altar.

This is Lagos – a microcosm of Nigeria, a movie that has no end.

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